The Beginning

Hi, my name is Tamara and I'm married to my wonderful husband, JP.  We have been married for 6.5 years and have two kids: Mason, 4, and Lucia, 2.

Our life was full, but I felt the boy/girl, dad/mom was just too perfect for me. I thought a third child would really throw a wildcard in there and just bring added fun to our family.

We  had talked about having another baby by May of 2014, but the months to start "trying" came and went as we both were feeling pretty hesitant and not quite ready. Then it was December. I had decided that if we didn't try and get pregnant in December, we were done. Two kids was fine. I just didn't want a big gap between them because then I would feel like we had to have two more.

Well, December came and and we did our thing (not being careful ;) and lo and behold come January,  I was in the familiar position of peeing on a stick.  I was scared to look at it. I counted to 100 and then looked at the strip. Two lines. I was pregnant.

A bit later that morning, we were all trying to get ready for work/daycare and as we are all trying to brush our teeth in our one bathroom, Masons says, "Mom, we need four bathrooms because there are four of us".  At that point, I looked  at my husband and said, "We don't need 4 bathrooms, we'd actually need 5". He responded with a frothy mouth (from the toothpaste of course) with a look that resembled a deer in headlights.

Fast forward a few weeks and I am sick. I mean SICK. I am always sick while pregnant  and it is my least favourite job ever. Some people love being pregnant and look fantastic. I don't want to hear about it.  I feel like the garbage truck threw me out and then drove over me. Gross. This go has been no exception. I was super tired, super sick, and generally a grump. I even started Diclectin right away which really helped when I was expecting Lucia. I only threw up once during her whole pregnancy.
With this one I am still throwing up about 5/week even on the pills (which run about $200/month so I expect them to work).

It was finally time for the first ultrasound where you get the first glimpse at your little babe. I went alone with it being my third pregnancy and all. You don't really get to see a whole lot at this point so we'd planned for my husband and the kids to come to the next appointment at 20 weeks. This was just the 10 week dating ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech brought me back and I said, "Just tell me there's only one in there, ok?".  She did her thing and used her little wand to make my bladder burn and feel  as if it were about to burst. Side to side, up and down. I thought it was taking a long time, but figured she was checking baby and placenta which would account for the side to side.  She finished her exam and this is how the conversation went,

Her: "Is your husband here with you?"
Me:" No, I came by myself ."
Her: "Is anyone with you?"
Me:"No."
Her:"Anyone?"
Me: "Nobody is with me."

At this point, I knew something was up. I didn't think we had lost the baby because I thought the exam probably wouldn't have been that long otherwise.

I could never had prepared myself for what happened next.  She turned the ultrasound monitor and it showed my uterus with TWO babies in the same womb!

Two.

Two.

Me:"Are you kidding me? Are there two babies?"
Her :"Yes, there are two babies".
Me: "For real, two babies."
Her: "Yes. This is baby A and this is baby B."

That's when I lost it. Tears started coming harder and harder. I must have asked her about 10 times if she was kidding, once if I was dreaming, and may have made a comment like, "Well, it's a good thing we already have a minivan!"  I also asked if crying was a normal reaction in this situation which she assured me it was. She asked if I was driving my self home and I said, "yes, I'm driving. I have to go back to work after this!"

She left and I cleaned my self up and heard to the bathroom. I had momentarily forgotten how
desperately I needed to pee. I dragged myself down the hall and began the marathon pee.  Every woman who has had a pelvic ultrasound knows the marathon pee. The smallest stream possible seems to take 10 minutes to completely leave the bladder. So, while I'm patiently peeing and gathering my wits again, I can hear the tech telling the other techs that I just found out I'm carrying twins and that I was crying. They were all laughing, which I get. If I were in their shoes, I would probably laugh at me too.  Not to be mean or because it's funny, but just because it's a normal reaction and I'm sure it's exciting for them to see two babies instead of one.

I drove back to work. I was ok. I walked towards the building and felt the niggling of tears in my eyes. I started up the back stairs and felt some tears fall and my throat start to close up. As I opened the office door, there was one patient sitting in the waiting area (I work for a surgeon) so I took my now openly crying self to the back as quickly as possible. I put my coat away and bolted before the sobs could overtake me. One of the other ladies came in shortly after thinking the worst. I had told myself In the stairwell that if I came in crying, they would think I had lost the baby.


I gave her the ultrasound pictures....there was silence...then, "TWINS?!? You're having twins?" To which I nodded and blubbered and sobbed. This was ugly crying at its finest, folks. I kind of calmed a wee bit before heading out to they front where my other co-worker (and good friend) was trying, unsuccessfully, to end her current phone  call.  When she finished I handed her the pictures. Silence again. Then a big "OH MY GOSH!" Followed by a hug, which was very welcome at this point.  I got myself quite settled down, managed to call my husband and text him a photo as well as another co-worker/friend and other friends.  Husband was very surprised and asked if I was joking. No, not joking.

I just was able to get back to work, although quite distracted and shaken up, when my boss came out. The pictures were on the desk and he looked and said, "Nice." Then he looked closer (remember he's a surgeon so he's pretty good at reading ultrasound images) and said, "Wow, WOW! That's great!" To
which I started bawling all over again  and cried, "Is it? Is it great? You said four is a lot." He replied with, "Four is great. We thought about 5, we're not having more, but we thought about it. I wouldn't  give any of them away."

Since then, we've announced it on Facebook and I am really glad we did. I've read and re-read those congratulations the last few days. I need to be reminded of the blessing we are being given.  I talked to one friend who asked if he should say Congratulations or My Condolences. That's really how I felt and am still trying to sort through.

I know I have been blessed through all of my pregnancies. We have never had any issues getting or staying pregnant and I know that is a huge struggle for people out there. I'm trying to remember that when I'm feeling upset.

At the same time, I feel I have to accept my feelings of grief because they are real.  The family I had
envisioned will never be, it'll be bigger. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I can't deny my feelings. I'm going through a lot of emotions of being overwhelmed, feeling unqualified, upset, resentful, unworthy. I've had a few moments of excitement but then all the uncertainty and the enormity of it all overshadows the excitement.

I came across this verse last night while I was crying myself to sleep.

Isaiah 61:7
Instead of shame and dishonour, you will enjoy a double share of honour. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.

Double share, double portion, everlasting joy.

I think that sounds pretty good.

If you are a friend, let me tell you how much I appreciate you. I've appreciated your 'likes', comments, private messages, texts, and phone calls. I am so thankful for the support of our family, church family, and friends. I'm grateful for those of you who have been in this place before and have offered advice or an ear to hear. I'm grateful for those who have walked with others down this road in a support role.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and will walk with me every step of this journey..

So, that's the beginning. I'm going to keep this as a diary of sorts so I can document this journey of growing twins. I think it will help me process along the way.  If you've read to the end, you must be a pretty special person or care about my family a awful lot. Thank you!

Feel free to leave comments or email me if you wish. I can always use encouragement or validation that what I'm feeling is normal!

In Christ Who Cares,

Tamara