Saturday, 29 March 2014

Bubbling Over

It's happened! I had my first REAL gush of excitement and heart flutters.  I was just resting and thinking about baby names. At our church, whenever a baby is born, they have a photo of the baby with its name to introduce it to the church family. I was thinking about the names we have picked out (so far) and about introducing our babies to the church family when my heart started fluttering and I got all giddy.

I know it's a little thing, but it's something. And I'm grateful.

I become more and more attached to these babies every day. Emotionally that is because I am physically attached to them already!

Lots of people have been asking how I'm feeling. I start to think I'm feeling better and then kind of relapse. I'm noticing a lot more aches and pains earlier on this round and finding walking to be really uncomfortable.  My next appointment is Monday so I'll have some more questions answered hopefully.  Thursday this coming week I'll get another look at how our babies are growing as I have my cone ultrasound on Thursday. I'll post some photos if we get some good views.

We decided to find out the babies' genders, but that won't be until the end of the month I think. We have something really fun planned for the gender reveal so stay tuned for that!

I've been reading some other expectant twin blogs and have seen this feature on a couple and thought it was cute.

Fun facts (or not so fun) for pregnancy week 15!

Maternity Clothes: All maternity pants, some shirts. Need long shirts if they aren't maternity. JP's thirst are great for around the house ;)

Sleep: decent so far. Lots of rolling from side to side.

Food cravings/Aversions: Fruit and grease. Aversions to things I've had to see twice. Oatmeal, penne noodles.

Gender: Planning to find out beginning of May.

Belly button in/out: Both at times. Depends if I'm standing or laying.

Symptoms: still nauseous/vomiting. Sore under belly, really tired and easily fatigued.

Best Moment of the Week: feeling EXCITED!

What I'm Looking Forward To: Some more energy, less nausea, upcoming GP appt and ultrasound! I need to hear those heartbeats again!

That's all for now! I'll have some pics next post!


Saturday, 15 March 2014

Calming of the Storm

It has now been 11 days since a bomb dropped on my world.  Ok, ok. That's being over dramatic, but it was a real shocker!

First things first - I need to say a HUGE Thank you to everyone who has left comments, sent messages or texts, phoned, met with me in person and generally just been there for us.  I was overwhelmed in the best way possible by the care and concern and all the offers of help for the months to come. It means so much to me (and JP, but mostly me) to know that we are not alone!

So, I had a lot an obscene amount of questions.  For some reason, I felt I had to have ALL the answers RIGHT NOW.  It was keeping me awake at night. Different questions at different times and looking back, even though it's only been a week, they seem kind of silly.  Why do I need to have a car seat RIGHT THIS MINUTE?!?  I have 5.5 more months to prepare!
*side note* I bought car seats already as Babies 'R Us was having a huge sale so we managed to save $180 by buying them right away!

Another thing I've been stuck on was names! I know I have a long time to think about this and yet, it was one of those pressing things that wouldn't let me sleep. Literally, lying awake coming up with name combinations.  I'm still not settled and haven't figured it out, but that's OK.  Time will tell.  I read a quote once that was something like this, 

You never realize how many people you 
didn't like growing up until you have to name your baby. 

You know what I mean, right? That boy in class that would tease you and call you names. (He probably had a crush on you) Yep, can't name my child ________.  The girl that dropped her overalls in the toilet at recess...oh wait, that was me in 4th grade!

All joking aside, I did have some legitimate questions as well. 
Are there increased risks to carrying twins?
Will I have to have an OBGYN?
Are they fraternal or identical twins? Do they share a placenta?
Do I need to be doing anything different?

These and many more questions. I searched the internet and found some answers, but not nearly what I was looking for. 

On Thursday last week, I went for my first doctor's visit since finding out about the twins.  Tuesday was the ultrasound, Thursday was the doctor.  Joy of joys, there was a 1st year Medical Student there.  I work in a surgeon's office and we do not like it when there are medical students there! It takes the doctor twice as long to do ANYTHING. (No offence to any medical students out there. I know you have to start somewhere, just why me on that day?!?)

So, the medical student comes in. Nice girl. Probably 21, 22 years old. It took her 30 minutes to go over the prenatal record (the one that normally takes my GP about 5 minutes, if that). She didn't know what some of the terms were (which I did and it made me feel slightly good, as haughty as that sounds. You can't work in a specialist's office for 6 years and not learn anything, right?)  I decided against asking her anything and to just wait for my GP to come in.

I should stop here and say that I LOVE my GP. She is the greatest.  I have never felt rushed with her.  I feel we have a great relationship and we're on the same page about a lot of issues.  She tells it like it is and isn't afraid to speak her mind. I really prefer that approach and generally don't need a lot of hand holding in my health. 

So, my GP came in with the student and performed the necessary woman things that have to be done at your first "real" prenatal appointment.  I'm a fairly private person in that regard and so it was a bit out of my comfort zone to expose my nether-regions to a medical student. At least it was a female.  A male would have got the boot out the door.

I didn't have too much time to ask my questions and felt like I had to rush through them and so I missed a few.  What I learned though, is that I will have many, MANY, MANY appointments in the coming months, but it is all for the safety and wellness of our babies so I'm OK with that. 

On Friday, I took the kids to Winners and we bought some onesies for the twins.  (One of my co-workers pretty much melted into a puddle the first time I said "the Twins". Her reaction was pretty cute and warmed my heart.)  I thought that if I bought something for them, I might start to feel more excited.  It didn't work.

Friday night, I talked on the phone with a family friend and! She is another mom of 4 (2 boys followed by twin boys) and she really helped to alleviate a lot of the fears I had in terms of handling four babies. I'm very thankful for you, Julie!

We went to church Sunday and I could tell right away who knew and who didn't. People who knew would give a raised-eyebrow-wide-eyed-gasp-half-smile-look and the first word out of their mouth was, "So.."  People are pretty excited though and that makes me more excited. I'm glad someone is. (That's not really fair of me to say because I can feel the excitement growing. It's just taking its sweet time).   I shared some good hugs and have had some really meaningful conversations. We also were invited to some other twin parents place after church for lunch and that was really helpful as well. I'm sure I will have many more questions for her as she's a mom of twins and a labour and delivery nurse! (Score for me!)

This week has been good.  I've settled a lot into "owning the pregnancy". God has shown me grace and opened my eyes to see how not alone we are. (Bad sentence but it makes sense, right?) Another verse that God used to quiet me this week was:

Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good. 
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
Psalm 100: 4-5

His faithfulness continues to each generation.  JP's family has been in Kelowna a long time. They first settled here from Italy in the early 1880's.  Our son, Mason, is the 6th generation of the Kelowna born Casorso Family.  It's a pretty neat heritage to marry into.  I feel so blessed to be able house some more future Casorso's.  God has been so good and I'm ashamed at how I was so ungrateful when I first learned of the two babies occupying my womb.   I now can't imagine my life without them and I think only my loving heavenly Father could bring about that change of heart in such a short time. 

I had better stop. I'm getting the keyboard all wet with my tears. 

Another long post, but it's important for me to write it.  I hope that my kids will read it one day and see how "normal" I am, and how GREAT God is.

And, if there are other women out there who are searching for answers about twins, a great resource I came across online was at Baby Center. It took a lot of digging to find it, but most of my questions were answered in the multiples section. Here's a link for those searching: Twin Pregnancy


Friday, 7 March 2014

The Beginning

Hi, my name is Tamara and I'm married to my wonderful husband, JP.  We have been married for 6.5 years and have two kids: Mason, 4, and Lucia, 2.

Our life was full, but I felt the boy/girl, dad/mom was just too perfect for me. I thought a third child would really throw a wildcard in there and just bring added fun to our family.

We  had talked about having another baby by May of 2014, but the months to start "trying" came and went as we both were feeling pretty hesitant and not quite ready. Then it was December. I had decided that if we didn't try and get pregnant in December, we were done. Two kids was fine. I just didn't want a big gap between them because then I would feel like we had to have two more.

Well, December came and and we did our thing (not being careful ;) and lo and behold come January,  I was in the familiar position of peeing on a stick.  I was scared to look at it. I counted to 100 and then looked at the strip. Two lines. I was pregnant.

A bit later that morning, we were all trying to get ready for work/daycare and as we are all trying to brush our teeth in our one bathroom, Masons says, "Mom, we need four bathrooms because there are four of us".  At that point, I looked  at my husband and said, "We don't need 4 bathrooms, we'd actually need 5". He responded with a frothy mouth (from the toothpaste of course) with a look that resembled a deer in headlights.

Fast forward a few weeks and I am sick. I mean SICK. I am always sick while pregnant  and it is my least favourite job ever. Some people love being pregnant and look fantastic. I don't want to hear about it.  I feel like the garbage truck threw me out and then drove over me. Gross. This go has been no exception. I was super tired, super sick, and generally a grump. I even started Diclectin right away which really helped when I was expecting Lucia. I only threw up once during her whole pregnancy.
With this one I am still throwing up about 5/week even on the pills (which run about $200/month so I expect them to work).

It was finally time for the first ultrasound where you get the first glimpse at your little babe. I went alone with it being my third pregnancy and all. You don't really get to see a whole lot at this point so we'd planned for my husband and the kids to come to the next appointment at 20 weeks. This was just the 10 week dating ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech brought me back and I said, "Just tell me there's only one in there, ok?".  She did her thing and used her little wand to make my bladder burn and feel  as if it were about to burst. Side to side, up and down. I thought it was taking a long time, but figured she was checking baby and placenta which would account for the side to side.  She finished her exam and this is how the conversation went,

Her: "Is your husband here with you?"
Me:" No, I came by myself ."
Her: "Is anyone with you?"
Me: "Nobody is with me."

At this point, I knew something was up. I didn't think we had lost the baby because I thought the exam probably wouldn't have been that long otherwise.

I could never had prepared myself for what happened next.  She turned the ultrasound monitor and it showed my uterus with TWO babies in the same womb!



Me:"Are you kidding me? Are there two babies?"
Her :"Yes, there are two babies".
Me: "For real, two babies."
Her: "Yes. This is baby A and this is baby B."

That's when I lost it. Tears started coming harder and harder. I must have asked her about 10 times if she was kidding, once if I was dreaming, and may have made a comment like, "Well, it's a good thing we already have a minivan!"  I also asked if crying was a normal reaction in this situation which she assured me it was. She asked if I was driving my self home and I said, "yes, I'm driving. I have to go back to work after this!"

She left and I cleaned my self up and heard to the bathroom. I had momentarily forgotten how
desperately I needed to pee. I dragged myself down the hall and began the marathon pee.  Every woman who has had a pelvic ultrasound knows the marathon pee. The smallest stream possible seems to take 10 minutes to completely leave the bladder. So, while I'm patiently peeing and gathering my wits again, I can hear the tech telling the other techs that I just found out I'm carrying twins and that I was crying. They were all laughing, which I get. If I were in their shoes, I would probably laugh at me too.  Not to be mean or because it's funny, but just because it's a normal reaction and I'm sure it's exciting for them to see two babies instead of one.

I drove back to work. I was ok. I walked towards the building and felt the niggling of tears in my eyes. I started up the back stairs and felt some tears fall and my throat start to close up. As I opened the office door, there was one patient sitting in the waiting area (I work for a surgeon) so I took my now openly crying self to the back as quickly as possible. I put my coat away and bolted before the sobs could overtake me. One of the other ladies came in shortly after thinking the worst. I had told myself In the stairwell that if I came in crying, they would think I had lost the baby.

I gave her the ultrasound pictures....there was silence...then, "TWINS?!? You're having twins?" To which I nodded and blubbered and sobbed. This was ugly crying at its finest, folks. I kind of calmed a wee bit before heading out to they front where my other co-worker (and good friend) was trying, unsuccessfully, to end her current phone  call.  When she finished I handed her the pictures. Silence again. Then a big "OH MY GOSH!" Followed by a hug, which was very welcome at this point.  I got myself quite settled down, managed to call my husband and text him a photo as well as another co-worker/friend and other friends.  Husband was very surprised and asked if I was joking. No, not joking.

I just was able to get back to work, although quite distracted and shaken up, when my boss came out. The pictures were on the desk and he looked and said, "Nice." Then he looked closer (remember he's a surgeon so he's pretty good at reading ultrasound images) and said, "Wow, WOW! That's great!" To
which I started bawling all over again  and cried, "Is it? Is it great? You said four is a lot." He replied with, "Four is great. We thought about 5, we're not having more, but we thought about it. I wouldn't  give any of them away."

Since then, we've announced it on Facebook and I am really glad we did. I've read and re-read those congratulations the last few days. I need to be reminded of the blessing we are being given.  I talked to one friend who asked if he should say Congratulations or My Condolences. That's really how I felt and am still trying to sort through.

I know I have been blessed through all of my pregnancies. We have never had any issues getting or staying pregnant and I know that is a huge struggle for people out there. I'm trying to remember that when I'm feeling upset.

At the same time, I feel I have to accept my feelings of grief because they are real.  The family I had
envisioned will never be, it'll be bigger. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I can't deny my feelings. I'm going through a lot of emotions of being overwhelmed, feeling unqualified, upset, resentful, unworthy. I've had a few moments of excitement but then all the uncertainty and the enormity of it all overshadows the excitement.

I came across this verse last night while I was crying myself to sleep.

Isaiah 61:7
Instead of shame and dishonour, you will enjoy a double share of honour. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.

Double share, double portion, everlasting joy.

I think that sounds pretty good.

If you are a friend, let me tell you how much I appreciate you. I've appreciated your 'likes', comments, private messages, texts, and phone calls. I am so thankful for the support of our family, church family, and friends. I'm grateful for those of you who have been in this place before and have offered advice or an ear to hear. I'm grateful for those who have walked with others down this road in a support role.  I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and will walk with me every step of this journey..

So, that's the beginning. I'm going to keep this as a diary of sorts so I can document this journey of growing twins. I think it will help me process along the way.  If you've read to the end, you must be a pretty special person or care about my family a awful lot. Thank you!

Feel free to leave comments or email me if you wish. I can always use encouragement or validation that what I'm feeling is normal!

In Christ Who Cares,